Scary Movie 2

Well, since Lea said something about continuing on my merry way with horror flick reviews I shall commence.

THE MORGUE
No. Just no. The fact this shit is out new makes it even less defensible from just NO. & how low can you go from NO? I’ll tell you. You go to “Everyone, let’s separate” – assuredly the most insipid film cliché ever. Which is exactly what they do. Over & over and wonder why they get bumped off. Let me at this screenwriter. I’ll can do that. And what’s with the no recognizable plot? They get killed in the road, but not, end up at the morgue alive, but they’re really dead, and getting stalked by some not passed over soul inhabiting the dark halls? Might just be me, but if I’m going to blow over an hour I want pay-off. I want to connect the dots. These dots were more like blotter acid dots, or a high school final project in just under the wire.

Blair Witch 11- BOOK OF SHADOWS
Really? First tip-off was spooky music cued. Why? Because it’s NOT, ok? Read my lips: NOT SCARY. Even for ME. Tries to get the audience riled up like bad propaganda. I stayed. I stayed watching long after I started eyeing eject. Why was the guy in a sanitarium, what were they putting up his nose, and what was with bouncing around the padded room? Wish I could tell you, but I can’t, cuz I hit eject. Blair Witch III, anyone? Didn’t think so. FUCK this was bad. Not bad in a good way, nor a wink-wink caricature way, not bad in a I’ll watch this cuz it’s better than putting a pen in my eye way. I’ll take the pen. Insult to injury was the whole Burkittsville town name, so close to my birth name it caused me to wrench my head fast at the screen every time like someone was calling me. I mourn anything Blair Witch now. How cruel to shit on the original.

HAUNTING ON SORORITY ROW
Or something like that. There was a sorority, there was a haunting. Something about waking up in a casket, being buried alive, keeping secrets about just such things. Knocking them off one by one (who here pledged? Yeah, not me) and blotting their faces out of pictures on the wall. A sinister blonde roommate. Ok, at least there was an attempt at acting. I’ll give them that. Guess what? Everyone’s blood runs the same red! Were it not for this movie, we would not have known that.

CLOVERFIELD
Ok, so we get footage found in Central Park but no follow-up about what mister monster was, where it came from, or what happened to the rest of the world? Pretty much the biggest question of the film skipped over? Call me a heartless bitch, but I’m more into that than the personal stories. Nice effects, though; highlight in the helicopter panning down on the creature getting nuked, lol on going from GET IT to I’M SORRY GOD. I just have to say this? The whole flashback slash old footage effect spliced with current time scenes? No. We get it. Just do it once. After that the effect gets diluted. Doesn’t every director know this? Must have skipped that day in film school. Sure, so there’s an entire triage set up in a dept. store with organized rows of working computers and a plan? Nice white tents? People in a tunnel who pause while rats run all in one direction? Duh? Should we run in that direction, too? “We have to get out of here” – srsly, if I heard that or the main character’s name one more time, well, I just don’t know.

Quarantine is still coming in first.